By: Tequella Muhammad
Mother Tynetta Muhammad entitled one of her articles; "The Road to Paradise Begins with the Journey of the Heart and Listening to the Still Small Voice of God Within". It created a beautiful introductory to this blog. The deepness of this title pulling (from a published article in the Final Call newspaper) resonated with my soul.
I learned so much about myself over the past few years. My strengths, my weaknesses, some character flaws, as well as some powerful evolutionary periods. During these evolutionary moments, I realized I was passive aggressive, and at times prideful. Ego was a little too big for my body, and my anxiety levels were through the roof. My inconsistent multitasking procrastination was sinking an already sinking ship! Nevertheless, during these self-examination periods, I found myself questioning my motives and who I was.
One thing I recognized was my lack of love of self. And with that, it meant that I did not DEEPLY hold the ability to genuinely love others. So, that had to change.
I wrestled with this for a prolonged period.
Looking back at choices, childhood, and past relationships. Thinking about things I could have done differently if given the opportunity. I knew it had to start with me, viewing myself, others, and things with a proper viewing. The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan talked about this in his book Closing the Gap.
" What we bring to whatever we look at is what gives us our perception of that which we are looking at. Knowledge influences perception. However, if we do not know what we are looking at, then, the perception we have of that at which we are looking is not as full or complete as it could be, or would be, if only we had knowledge and further understanding.
I was searching, analyzing myself deeply while accepting these things to be true, I could not see it at first. I kept busy trying to smother those realities that kept creeping back up. I was in denial. I started studying myself, getting therapy, and doing Dianetics, all the while parsing my family and friends about who I was. Listening to comments, feedback, complaints, praise, along with, you know, that annoying negative self-talk! Those things began to shed some light on who I thought I was and who I really was.
and then one day it hit me like a 50lb bag of Navy Beans!
I have some SERIOUS work to do on myself! Oh Allah.
I began this particular course of study, The Study Guides "The Basis for Community Development by the Most Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan. I stayed up all night at times with nothing but the flashlight on my phone. The carbon paper was ripped, highlighter and ink pin notes consumed my pages. Tears formed holes in parts I wished I could erase away. Allah was aiding me. He was guiding me; he was expanding my breast for a greater work I could not see. He was pulling off layers of trauma, childhood codependency, past painful events, regret, guilt, unconcealed feelings, thoughts, abuse, agitation, irritation, the whole nine. Everything I went through prepared for that moment. I was ready.
On top of reading those study guides, I also started reading on The Holy Quran Reading Line daily. The Holy Quran is the light! At one point, Allah had started to transcend my thinking, and my connection to him, through the ringing in my ear for prayer, teleplay (meaning every time I would think of someone they would call or text) skin started flourishing, the Holy Quran started making sense, fasting, praying, and understanding the word got easier... I was maturing in my Islam.
Beautiful people started flowing into my life, others fell off. Part of my trial was being upset when people started to distance themselves the more I wanted to do right, I was like, Oh Allah, I pray I am not "Self-Centered" or "Over Righteous" because that was never my intention. I wanted to inspire others, breathe life into them by striving, being transparent, obedient, and real. I just could not figure it out for the life of me, how Individuals would get upset, or irritated when they see you striving to follow the teachings. I thought everyone walking the trail was supposed to ride on the road of righteousness. That always puzzled me. Isn't this what we were guided to do? To test the words of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad? To have faith in his work and words?!
I realized everyone was not meant for your tailored journey. We all have an individual rendezvous with destiny.
I started experiencing trials in droves amid these self-improvement classes, however I have come to know through the words of the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan “Hard Trials Are Necessary to Establish Truth.” Prior to coming in, I was experiencing what felt like a midlife crisis at 22. I was tired of the world, and the things I was going through, I wanted change. I wanted it so bad. I had to ask Allah to forgive me, and I felt unworthy in the sight of Allah to even bow down to him in supplication. I felt unworthy to even pray to him. I felt bad about prior choices and decisions I had made, and I had a lot of guilt as well as regret. I wanted to be successful all my life, and I always knew I would be, however I knew change was the only way. I had to give up the world if I wanted that change. I was unaware how much sacrifice It would take to get there. It is a lifelong journey. Registering in the Nation was the process needed to set me on my way. In 2019 I had a breakdown, the worst breakdown I have ever experienced. Everything in my world started falling apart, in ways I didn't even know I could. I cried every night for days on end, asking for mercy, and asking Allah for help begging for forgiveness and another chance to get it right, and to help me, to be what He wants me to be. I wanted to give up my life to him.... (Submitting my Will to completely do HIS will) Divorced, chronic busyness, single parenting, survival mode, trying to create wealth, all consumed me. I just wanted to rest. I was tired. I just wanted to give all that stress to Allah. And I did. In that room sat nothing but burning sage, a prayer rug, The Holy Quran, and a window. I called out to Allah and prayed my most sincere prayer ever. Huge tears I have not seen since I was a little girl overwhelmed me with such great emotion and pain, and I just wanted to let it all out!! I gave up Tequella that day. I asked Allah to pour into me His spirit, I asked him to expand my breast to love more, to love like the Honorable Elijah Muhammad, and Minister Louis Farrakhan, and at that moment, Allah granted such a calming spirit over me. Like he said, “I got you, everything will be OK.” Like he was standing right there with me in that room, comforting me. I let it all go, in a sigh of relief. I took on the serenity and the refuge prayer,
‘I seek refuge in Allah from anxiety and grief, from the lack of strength and laziness, from cowardice and niggardliness. From being overpowered by debt and the oppression of men.’ “Oh Allah ‘Suffice thou me with what is lawful and keep me away from what is prohibited. And with thou grace make me free from want of what is beside thee.’ God grant me the serenity. to accept the things, I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.
“ALL PRAISE IS DUE TO ALLAH WHO CAME IN THE PERSON OF MASTER FARD MUHAMMAD.”
At one time, it seemed as though everything I touched turned to Gold, everything I prayed for, almost every manifestation was answered, and Allah made me aware that he was VERY present in my life. The thing is that it is still a trial. After difficulty is ease, and after ease is difficulty. It wont always be that way.
Why did I say all this?
Because someone needs to hear the redeeming spirit of Allah (God) by whatever name you call him. We need to know that Allah is ever present in our lives, and gives us what we strive for according to the Holy Quran.
Remain steadfast under trial and keep on growing closer to Allah with wisdom and understanding. Keep your duty to Allah. Be humble. There is no perfect person, or perfect life, no matter what we believe what others may reveal. Remember, Jesus suffered for a cost bigger than himself. Life is a CONSTANT journey from one hostile environment to the next.
Transformation must take place at once, and it takes STRICT obedience to that duty! You must apply the principles given to see progress. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you or others feel, no matter what people think of you, keep pressing forward. You are going to fall, you are going to make mistakes, but get back up and keep moving against the current of a falling world. Allah came to make ALL THINGS NEW and that includes us. Give up yourself for Allah to use you. Allah will make you successful. I bear witness. Thank you for reading.